Isn't it amazing how you know what you want to type but once your fingers lay on the keyboard everything goes blank... not a great start to my first blog huh.
Where do I start, from conception... I don't think so, even I don't want to know those details. Childhood?? Well I remember bits and pieces of my childhood, and really only know what Mom has told me about the things that happened when I was that young. Beings as most of my childhood was my mother's life, you probably won't read too much about that.
I have 3 kids 2 boys and a girl. I get along with anyone that gets along with me... I can be your best friend or your worst enemy... I am one of those people that if you come to me for help in ANY situation I will help you out the best way I know how, I live from one day to the next cuz you never know where life will take you. My children are my life there is no one in this world that comes before them, they may drive me crazy but I wouldn't give them up for anything. Make your own perception of me but don't judge me without actually knowing me first... now onto :
Mom.. she is and always will be my BEST FRIEND, there is no one that can or will ever take her place as a mother or my friend.. I can go to her with any and everything. I have never treated my mother with any kind of disrespect, because well, she brought me into this world she sure as hell can take me out. I love her to death and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.
My father on the other hand, although I have never disrespected him in any way, he has made me feel obsolete since about the age of 11 (I am now 29) I used to visit my father (now I call him that because he doesn't deserve the "dad" title) every other weekend and spent summers with him, up until he met his current wife. I can't stand her and refuse to consider her my step mother or anything close to that. Once she told my father she didn't want me over anymore, my visits with him lessened and slowly made there way to not at all. I didn't bother making a scene about it because by then I had had enough.. I already felt like I was nothing to my father and she was his keeper.. her biggest issue was, I was his flesh and blood and she couldn't have kids with him, I thank the lord they couldn't conceive, even though I felt as though I didn't exist, them having a child/children would have made me feel worse. He even called and hung out with my brother but seemed to not want to have anything to do with me, which killed me because I know I was daddy's lil' girl til SHE came along. I never attended their wedding, which surprisingly I WAS invited to, That's just something I can't get over, hurts too much. As I think about it I should have went to their wedding just to object.
My brother's daughter, my niece, was born in 2001 September 17th and I mention this because my father saw her in the hospital after she was born.. his first blood grandchild.
I had my first child in 2002, Devin Anthony Isaiah, born January 18th my father didn't meet him til he was 3mths old, then again when he was 6mths old and I had to go to him, he didn't come see me in the hospital or anytime thereafter.
I had my second child in 2003, Hope Mae Lyn, born December 19th again my father did not come to meet his grandchild. He met her for the first time when she was over a year old, he hasn't seen her since.
My third child was born October 13th 2005, Dakota Jordan James, my father has never seen him. They don't know my father as their grandfather, they don't know him at all.
Since I was 16, if I wanted to see my father I would have to meet him at a bar ( which is where we were just about every time I was with him anyway ) I met him once and that was that, I haven't made any attempts since.
When I was younger we would go to two different bars in the same night, all weekend long, I did nothing but play shuffle board, drink soda and sleep on the bar stools.. ah yes.. what great memories, a bunch of drunks around a 9-11yr old not very comforting, kinda creepy. So in all I don't talk to my father he is basically dead to me, I have a "Dad" now, moms been with him for over 7yrs and hes the closest thing I've had to a dad.. and the only father figure in my life to tell me he was proud to call me his daughter... and I am more then proud to say that he is my "Dad" (my mom's now fiance).
I am more then sure that all of the things that I have gone through with and because of my father, has done a number on me. I can't say that I hate my father but I despise him in the worst way. Now my brother and I have the same dad.. My two sisters are offspring of moms last relationship.. he was with my mother for 13yrs. After my sisters were born, again I felt obsolete, my brother and I started getting treated differently, in my eyes it was because we weren't HIS kids, they always got more and were treated better by their dad then we were.. mom did her best to treat us all the same and she did a damn good job considering what she was going through after so many years of being with this guy. He always seemed to think that he could buy the love of mom and her children. Even though I was great full for the things I was given, I knew and felt that they were pity gifts, or gifts to make himself seem so much better then my father. He always used to call us ALL foul names and made me feel so small. He did more controlling then he gave love.. as a matter of fact I don't remember him ever telling me he loved me or my brother, and I don't ever remember telling him that I loved him. I felt no love toward him, I felt nothing but resentment, for every name he ever called me and for every thing he ever did wrong to my mother. Mom was the innocent one in their relationship as were we, she was more like a prisoner.. barely left the house so she was there if he would call or come home from work for lunch, she did every and anything he wanted her to do as he went about his business and did everything he wanted, as long as she was home to wait on him hand and foot; which she was.
When I was 17 he left her, and not long after I moved out and moved in with my boyfriend at the time and his parents. I felt more freedom there then I have ever felt. I never knew kindness the way I was shown after moving in with them. My decisions mattered and my thoughts counted. I actually felt like I was part of the family. Because that's how they made me feel. They loved me, they said they loved me, I heard it almost on a daily basis.
But even with that I still wasn't right.. I had lost my own father, and the man that was "supposed" to be my father figure, the one that was supposed to step in and fill that role. When all he did was make me wish I was never born. He filled us with false hopes of him and mom getting married and buying the house of our dreams.. I guess we weren't good enough or something because after all those years he just left us like we were nothing.. moved on with another family.. that didn't work out and so he moved on to ANOTHER family.. and with that managed to turn our cousin into my sister's step brother.. by marrying my cousin's ex and adopting their son. (totally screwed up different sides of OUR "family") Which made me feel worse..after 13yrs we weren't good enough to be adopted by him, did he ever really want us. Still can't figure out what made us so bad that he wanted nothing to do with us, even after he left. It's as though we never existed, we were never apart of his life.. because we are no part of his life now. I still wonder from time to time how things would've been. Just wondering won't fix the emotional damage that I know I have suffered through all of it.
One day I went into this meltdown where I could not stop crying I felt like I had lost it.. so I decided to talk to mom and tell her something that I had kept from her for so long, my first miscarriage.. no one ever knew about it, I dealt with it on my own never told ANYONE about it, for fear of being called names (and at age 15 being called the foul names kills any "good" reputation you may or may not have at that age) I wasn't a whore or a slut, its true what they say you can get pregnant the 1st time even if you use a condom.. yes yes, I know this was taught to me by school and my mom but what teenager actually thinks it can happen to them..in my defense I tried to be safe, well I guess I wasn't safe enough. Now I have to live with that for the rest of my life..
After I talked with my mom, I went to my sister's dad and told him everything I was feeling and how he made me feel then and now.. I feel like I got nowhere, he seemed like he didn't give a damn, just like he didn't back then, even though I got him to talk to me, and he had mentioned that it wasn't us kids that made him leave that's not how I felt.. so crying to him about the things I was going through didn't seem to have any affect on him at all and I say this ..well because nothing has changed, he's still has no part in my life or my kids life as I asked him to be.. I wanted them to know him as their Poppop, and I know now that is never going to happen, my kids will never be apart of his life because that would mean that I would be apart of his life too. Which he obviously still wants nothing to do with me, which doesn't surprise me at all. I'm used to feeling like nothing.
The feeling of rejection still lingers, and when it happens throughout your life it tends to get to you.. to the point where you can't let go of the thought "Why wasn't I wanted". I have always had that needy feeling of being wanted and needed by somebody..anybody.
I too was promised the world once or twice and again nothing but false hope. So in some ways I know how Mom felt for all those years.. it really messes with your head when you think that things are finally going to get better and then something always happens to screw it up.
All I really want is to be happy and not many things make me feel this way these days
I now have issues with Depression, Social Phobia, Anxiety Attacks, and Bi-polar disorder.. I am on meds for these issues, just some days they don't seem to work as well as others.
I want more then anything to get into photography, I'd like to write my own teenage novels, kids books and books of poetry. I also want to be a journalist and those dreams..... seem to be so far from becoming reality.
Well that's all for now for my first blog, I hope you didn't get to bored.. feedback is welcomed and appreciated
Thanks For Reading.. More to come..
My brother's daughter, my niece, was born in 2001 September 17th and I mention this because my father saw her in the hospital after she was born.. his first blood grandchild.
I had my first child in 2002, Devin Anthony Isaiah, born January 18th my father didn't meet him til he was 3mths old, then again when he was 6mths old and I had to go to him, he didn't come see me in the hospital or anytime thereafter.
I had my second child in 2003, Hope Mae Lyn, born December 19th again my father did not come to meet his grandchild. He met her for the first time when she was over a year old, he hasn't seen her since.
My third child was born October 13th 2005, Dakota Jordan James, my father has never seen him. They don't know my father as their grandfather, they don't know him at all.
Since I was 16, if I wanted to see my father I would have to meet him at a bar ( which is where we were just about every time I was with him anyway ) I met him once and that was that, I haven't made any attempts since.
When I was younger we would go to two different bars in the same night, all weekend long, I did nothing but play shuffle board, drink soda and sleep on the bar stools.. ah yes.. what great memories, a bunch of drunks around a 9-11yr old not very comforting, kinda creepy. So in all I don't talk to my father he is basically dead to me, I have a "Dad" now, moms been with him for over 7yrs and hes the closest thing I've had to a dad.. and the only father figure in my life to tell me he was proud to call me his daughter... and I am more then proud to say that he is my "Dad" (my mom's now fiance).
I am more then sure that all of the things that I have gone through with and because of my father, has done a number on me. I can't say that I hate my father but I despise him in the worst way. Now my brother and I have the same dad.. My two sisters are offspring of moms last relationship.. he was with my mother for 13yrs. After my sisters were born, again I felt obsolete, my brother and I started getting treated differently, in my eyes it was because we weren't HIS kids, they always got more and were treated better by their dad then we were.. mom did her best to treat us all the same and she did a damn good job considering what she was going through after so many years of being with this guy. He always seemed to think that he could buy the love of mom and her children. Even though I was great full for the things I was given, I knew and felt that they were pity gifts, or gifts to make himself seem so much better then my father. He always used to call us ALL foul names and made me feel so small. He did more controlling then he gave love.. as a matter of fact I don't remember him ever telling me he loved me or my brother, and I don't ever remember telling him that I loved him. I felt no love toward him, I felt nothing but resentment, for every name he ever called me and for every thing he ever did wrong to my mother. Mom was the innocent one in their relationship as were we, she was more like a prisoner.. barely left the house so she was there if he would call or come home from work for lunch, she did every and anything he wanted her to do as he went about his business and did everything he wanted, as long as she was home to wait on him hand and foot; which she was.
When I was 17 he left her, and not long after I moved out and moved in with my boyfriend at the time and his parents. I felt more freedom there then I have ever felt. I never knew kindness the way I was shown after moving in with them. My decisions mattered and my thoughts counted. I actually felt like I was part of the family. Because that's how they made me feel. They loved me, they said they loved me, I heard it almost on a daily basis.
But even with that I still wasn't right.. I had lost my own father, and the man that was "supposed" to be my father figure, the one that was supposed to step in and fill that role. When all he did was make me wish I was never born. He filled us with false hopes of him and mom getting married and buying the house of our dreams.. I guess we weren't good enough or something because after all those years he just left us like we were nothing.. moved on with another family.. that didn't work out and so he moved on to ANOTHER family.. and with that managed to turn our cousin into my sister's step brother.. by marrying my cousin's ex and adopting their son. (totally screwed up different sides of OUR "family") Which made me feel worse..after 13yrs we weren't good enough to be adopted by him, did he ever really want us. Still can't figure out what made us so bad that he wanted nothing to do with us, even after he left. It's as though we never existed, we were never apart of his life.. because we are no part of his life now. I still wonder from time to time how things would've been. Just wondering won't fix the emotional damage that I know I have suffered through all of it.
One day I went into this meltdown where I could not stop crying I felt like I had lost it.. so I decided to talk to mom and tell her something that I had kept from her for so long, my first miscarriage.. no one ever knew about it, I dealt with it on my own never told ANYONE about it, for fear of being called names (and at age 15 being called the foul names kills any "good" reputation you may or may not have at that age) I wasn't a whore or a slut, its true what they say you can get pregnant the 1st time even if you use a condom.. yes yes, I know this was taught to me by school and my mom but what teenager actually thinks it can happen to them..in my defense I tried to be safe, well I guess I wasn't safe enough. Now I have to live with that for the rest of my life..
After I talked with my mom, I went to my sister's dad and told him everything I was feeling and how he made me feel then and now.. I feel like I got nowhere, he seemed like he didn't give a damn, just like he didn't back then, even though I got him to talk to me, and he had mentioned that it wasn't us kids that made him leave that's not how I felt.. so crying to him about the things I was going through didn't seem to have any affect on him at all and I say this ..well because nothing has changed, he's still has no part in my life or my kids life as I asked him to be.. I wanted them to know him as their Poppop, and I know now that is never going to happen, my kids will never be apart of his life because that would mean that I would be apart of his life too. Which he obviously still wants nothing to do with me, which doesn't surprise me at all. I'm used to feeling like nothing.
The feeling of rejection still lingers, and when it happens throughout your life it tends to get to you.. to the point where you can't let go of the thought "Why wasn't I wanted". I have always had that needy feeling of being wanted and needed by somebody..anybody.
I too was promised the world once or twice and again nothing but false hope. So in some ways I know how Mom felt for all those years.. it really messes with your head when you think that things are finally going to get better and then something always happens to screw it up.
All I really want is to be happy and not many things make me feel this way these days
I now have issues with Depression, Social Phobia, Anxiety Attacks, and Bi-polar disorder.. I am on meds for these issues, just some days they don't seem to work as well as others.
I want more then anything to get into photography, I'd like to write my own teenage novels, kids books and books of poetry. I also want to be a journalist and those dreams..... seem to be so far from becoming reality.
Well that's all for now for my first blog, I hope you didn't get to bored.. feedback is welcomed and appreciated
Thanks For Reading.. More to come..
Sheesh Deb. Thats pretty heavy stuff right there. I enjoyed reading it, even though it made my heart break for you. It took me back to our years as teenagers, and I was there for a lot of what you wrote. I remember when Kenny was so excited to have his dad in his life, and making the trip to Slatington all the time to see him. I do remember a lot of "family time" with your "dad" at the bar. I even remember when he got the bartender to serve us once, being underage, wow cool guy LOL. I know your mom did the best she could given her circumstances. I saw a lot that went on back then considering I was at your house more than mine LOL. Those years were certainly dysfunctional but some of the most memorable for me. I felt like part of your family back then and I know how you felt like you didnt belong while living under Bob's roof. I dont know what happened in their relationship but I am sorry he never treated you or Kenny the same as Donna and Kelly. I witnessed a lot of it so I know you are not exaggerating. Your brother got a lot of it too, sometimes it was worse on him because he was there to put up with it, at least you sort of escaped. I am very happy for your mom now, it seems as though she finally has a man who loves her very much and I am happy to hear Brian treats you much better than Bob ever can. Its unfortunate that childhood has many bad memories for you, but as an adult you can learn to rise above it all and be a better parent to your kids. I love you and thanks for sharing your story. <3
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